Healing At The Speed Of Insanity
by 100ZombiePandas
Summary: After everything with alie everyone deals with what they done in there own way. Post season 3 every chapter is a different character.


Blood, crimson red blood, It haunts me.

Being a doctor and all that may not be the best thing, But this is not the blood from stitching any old wound. It's blood that stains my hand a dark shade of red, blood from all the people I had willing hurt. All those people I tortured intill they seen reason and took the key, or intill i finally got bored with them and sent them to be hung on the cross as a final method to get them to see reason and take the key, or they will die resisting. Its their choice, an easy choice if you ask me. there is no place for those kind of people in the new world we where trying to build anyways.

Their where even a handfull of people that i didnt have time to deal with so i just sliced their troat opened and watched as blood fell from their neck onto my hand and went on with my day.

So many people breathed their last breath in front of me. As I stood their listening to their piercing scream as if it was just any old music playing a beautiful melody.

I stood their believing they were no better than cows for slather, I watched as the life in their eyes slowly fade to nothing more then dust. Their eyes nothing more than a broken mirrior showing me nothing but my broken reflaction back at me.

Days it when on for.

Days I thought of nothing more then getting as many people I can into the city of light. I played with lifes as if they where nothing more then dolls that needed fixing. As if some one didn't just lost a father, as if some one didn't just lost a son, or daughter,as if some one isn't going to sleep in a cold empty bed with out the one person they love most in the world, holding on to hope that they would be coming to join them soon, not knowing the horrible news that waiting for them in the light of the day.

All those people dead. All of their blood staining my hands darker and darker shades of red for every person I killed.

So dark is the shade of red on my hands, is that I can't even tell if its red or black anymore.

In all reality I have an extreamly good reason to be disgusted by blood.

That's why three hours after the city of light has been deleted from existing, I'm sitting here in a corner the farthest possible place I can get from the throne room.

Away from all the screaming,

all the crying,

All the deaths,

but most importantly away from the horror I caused these past couple of days.

I lose track of how long I've been sitting here staring at my trembling hands, the last few days flashing threw my mind on a constant loop.

The faint cries I hear that got trapped in the wind from below as the breeze carried it threw the broken window across the room to me, did nothing to ease the pain I felt. In fact it only fueled my pain as I gave into it and let the tears that's been threatening to fall since Clarke freed me from the grasp of alie finally flow freely.

I don't know how long I sit here crying my heart out in till my tears are nothing but dried tears staining my face.

I was so wrapped up in trying to keep my breath even, that when the door suddenly open I was startled in to a standing position. The sudden movement brought black stars to my eyes forcing me to lead against the wall for support.

I hear the door closed and soft slow foot steps as someone walks closer to me as if not to scare me again.

"Abby" the person sofly whispers. Oh. I know exactly who the soft deep voice belongs to.

Closing my eyes as a single tear escape. I'm not ready to face him, not after every thing how can I look him in the eyes when his screams are still piercing my ears.

He takes another step I hear as he whispers my name again.

"Go away." I manage to tell him as I start to feel my composer break. Instead of hearing turning to leave I hear him walking closer in till I sense him a few steps away.

"GO AWAY!" I yell this time turning to look at him trying to get the message to sink in, I don't need his comfort, I don't deserve it. I didn't notice my mistake in till after. I looked at him I saw him. Marcus.

I see him standing in front of me. I see Marcus. I see all of him, I see the dirt on his close on his skin, I see the rips and tears on his clothes, the blood staining his close. His blood, his blood from when I order him to me hung on the cross. I try to evert my eyes my I only managed to look at the bandages on his wrist and I froze.

Someone most of cleaned them. Jackson maybe? They were new clean white bandages but I saw some blood bleeding through. Blood bleeding from a wound that I caused. I'm never going to be free from it I can tell that right now, my hands are never going to be clean again. I panic I move away from him, trying to put as much distance from between him and me. Moving away from the safety of my corner

I watch him take another step trying to reach me but I move away, he says my name again, I turn away refusing to look at him, to see him like that, I refuse to look him in the eye. So I look out the window instead. Maybe that was a worst choice.

The sun is setting so I must have been alone for over two hours. But the people on the ground are still picking themselves up. Take each other of the crosses, over have of them I personally ordered to death on them. The streets aren't any better you can even walk have steps without steeping in a pool of blood. Maybe a rain storm could come and wash the streets clean but would never was the bloods from my hands, no amount of rain could.

"Its not your fault." Marcus sincerely told me as if was sensed my thoughts turning dark.

"You don't honestly believe that." I move to face him keeping my eyes trained on the pealing paint on the wall right over his shoulder. Even through all the echo of the screaming I can tell my voice is thick with my own pain.

I sense that Marcus is about to say something so I swiftly cut him off before he even gets a chance to open his mouth.

"Those people down their." I took a side step to give him a view of the window as I pointed at it. " Those people on the crosses. Their up their because I gave an order! an order for a nail to be struck threw them! an order from the to die. Just because... just because the wouldn't take the damn chip!"

I yelled at marcus trying to get him to understand its my fault all of this is.

"No its not Abby, I know that, Clarke knows that, Everyone knows that." Each word from Marcus brought him closer and closer towards me. In till he reached his hands up to my face, brushing tears gently off my face that escaped during my out burst.

"This was alies fault. If you blame anyone blame her." Marcus finished, gently placing a soft kiss on my forehead as fresh tears came to the surface.

I pulled away but Marcus only let's me move just enough to took him in the eyes as his hand keep a steady hold on my arms. for the first time today I look into his eye and its worst then looking in to the eyes of a dead man.A thousand times worse

Not only do I see all my pain reflecting back at me. I see all of his pain, all his worry, all his fears, and something else I refuse to put a name to right now. I see his eyes wet with tears that has yet to fall.

Taking a deep breath I look stright into his eyes i try to tell him holding back my tears putting all of my strength trying not to break down again.

"Alie's not the one that has to live with it. Alie's not going to hear all screams of pain in a silent room. She's...she's not going to see the d..dead bodies every time... every time she closes her eyes.

As I talk every single word gets harder to force out but Marcus need to know. I try taking a step away but his grasp on my arms tighten pulling me in till he can wrap his arm around me. I panic then trying to pull out of his warm embrace, hitting his arms trying to get him to let go of me but it only causes him to hold me tighter to his chest.

Its only when I stopped struggling to tired after these past few days to fight against him any longer. That I let the tears flow silently down my face as I rest my head on his shoulders. Marcus puts another soft kiss on to my head that.

"We will get through this Abby." Marcus whispers quietly Into my hair. " their would be a day when you close you eyes and only see the beauty that this life has to offer, A day when all you will hear is children laughter as the run around playing on a beautiful summer day." Marcus finishes with another kiss in my hair that I feel a slight shake of his body I noticed he has started to cry as well.

"Its not like pushing a button or pulling a lever." I tell him threw our tears as I wrap my arms around his waist and hold him close to me no matter how loud that voice is in my head is telling me to run, run and never come back, away from every one i hurt, away from the ones i love so i can never hurt them again. As that voice got louder I just clung on to Marcus as if my insanity depended on it.

"It won't just go away, Marcus I k...k...killed so many. I didn't always just gave the o...order and w...w... from afar. Theirs people M...M...Marcus that I... that I killed with my bare h...hand." As my tears turned into sobs Marcus only just hold me pressing kiss into my hair and whispered smoothing word that I paid no mind to as poured my heart out to him.

"I didn't t..try to st..stop. I just let it h..h..hap..happen, I didn't try to stop A..Alie. I l.. her just stand their t..t..telling me what to do with no mind that s..she was w...wr...wrong. I didnt try to r..resist her. As I slit a kn..knife t...throw innocent people throats. I just s..stood their w..watching as they r..rain down their n..n..neck st..s..staining my h..h..hands.

I broke off with a sob. Closing my eyes I did nothing but breathed in the sent of Marcus as I tried to calm myself down. We both stood their crying into each others eyes. As marcus continued to whisper sweet nothings in to my ears as he tried to calm me down.

"How can I ever be a doctor again, how can I tell people that I can heal them when I've done nothing but hurt them." I spoke into his shoulder so quietly that I couldnt tell if he heard me or not.

Turns out he did when a few seconds later he whispered in my ear.

"You will learn Abby, I promise that you will be able to get through this, you will soon be able to heal people without a doubt because you where born to save lifes. I promise on the thousands of lifes you saved to day." I look at him then. I took at the faith in his eyes I hear the sincerity in his voice.

"I promise on no other reason then the fact that your Abigail Griffin the woman that taught me how to be a better man, you showed me how to hope, but most importantly you showed me how to move on from all the horrible things I've done. I promise you that I will be by your side every step of the way."

I can't ask him to do this not with everything going on right now. Not with his eyes starring st right into my soul. I try to tell him but his next words threw my entire fight out of me.

"I promise you this Abigail Griffin that I will help, you just like you helped me because your the woman the I love."

I wanted to reply but I could do nothing but cry. He said it the one thing I was so afraid he would says. Not because I didn't felt the same way, Because I do, but for the reason that he's the only one that can pick the pieces up my shattered heart and glue them back together, the only one that can wash the blood from my hands.

I don't deserve it, his love not after every thing I did to him. I don't deserve to have my hands clean after all the people I killed. I don't deserve to have him here right now holding in his arms. I don't deserve to have him look at me like I'm the only thing that matters.

I don't deserve it any yet Marcus is refusing to give a choice on the matter. This nothing else I can do, nothing else I want to do but fall to the ground and cry, cry till their is no more tears left for me to cry.

So I fall and their Marcus is refusing to let go as I drag both of us too the floor. I cry as Marcus kisses my the top of my head, as he whispers I love you and other calming things in to my ears, as he gently rocks us. I cry as the sunset turns to night. I cry in till I have no more tears to shed. In till sleep slowly takes me and the last thing I feel is Marcus strong arms picking me up. Right before I fall into a restless sleep I feel a whisper of a kiss on to my lips that brings a small smile to my face.


End file.
